Today's blog challenge for me is a little bit hard for a couple reasons, I have a ton of quotes that I definitely relate to and like to live by and this one hits homes especially hard for me because I can relate to it, I have felt this way. I think this quote is something everyone with problems needs to see, something that anyone who has spent the night crying themselves to sleep needs to read. This quote was said by my favourite person on the planet, Demi Lovato. I have used some other quotes of hers in my other blog and in messages to my friends because she has been where I am now, she has struggled and she has made it through. One day I hope to be as strong as her and not continuously hate looking in the mirror because you know what? Nothing IS more beautiful than a smile that has struggled through tears.
Not a lot of people know this, but I guess now everyone will since I am putting it in my blog haha. Also, before I talk about this I want you to know that this is NOT me looking for sympathy, at all. That is the last thing I need, I just want people to know that they aren't alone. The emotional roller coaster started (to be fair I've had emotional problems earlier than this but, they didn't effect me as much until this time) in 2009 when my Grandpa passed away suddenly. My Grandpa and I were really close and I saw him as my rock. No matter what I did he was there for me, never judging me and loving me unconditionally. When he died it felt like a little bit of me died with him, I shut down. I was a shell of myself, I hung out with friends I still laughed at stupid jokes but I was hollow inside. Around this same time I finally told my parents a secret I had kept with me since I was little, a secret I had been scared to tell for a really long time. When I was younger and we lived in Florida I had this 'friend' who was older than me. I don't remember exactly when it started, I think I was around 5 or 6. This 'friend' had decided to start molesting me, now it wasn't just me, she did it to other kids on the street too. Once in awhile she would let her cousin join in, I felt wrong, I knew it wasn't right. When I asked her to stop or I would tell my parents she told me, 'if you tell anyone they're going to hate you, God already hates you because of this.' She also liked to tell me I was now a lesbian and that I was going to hell. For a child that is a terrifying thing to hear, luckily she moved when I was around 8 and then we moved not too long after that.
It got to the point where I couldn't handle the repressed memories that were coming back on top of my Grandpa dying. I decided I was going to go to therapy, to talk about my problems. To talk about all the things I didn't want to talk about, the things that caused me pain, the memories I repressed from when I was younger because I didn't, nor did I want to, deal with them. I went for a little while, but like with all my past therapists, I quit, I couldn't handle it anymore. I got to a point where I could function normally and be semi happy and then it all went downhill.
The past few years have been complete and utter hell for me, without going into specifics I let someone take control over me and my thoughts on myself. That was my first mistake. NEVER I repeat, NEVER let someone control the way you feel about yourself. I let this person lead me on for a long time and when they shot me down it tore me apart, when I found out why they shot me down that sent me into a place mentally I hope to never go back to. For awhile I tried to play it off like I didn't care, I thought I was fooling everyone around me but I wasn't. Those closest to me knew I was struggling but had no idea how to help me or how depressed I really was.
I was a huge mess, crying all the time, for absolutely no reason. Getting angry at people who didn't deserve my anger. I was out of control, I knew that but I didn't know what to do, I didn't know who to go to. I couldn't even look in the mirror without being disgusted, it was like no matter how much makeup I put on or how I did my hair I could never be pretty enough. Some of my biggest fears in life are failure and being rejected, I felt that what was happening to me was me failing at being normal. Me failing at being able to function emotionally like a normal human being. My biggest fear though, was being diagnosed Bipolar. To me that was the end, if I was Bipolar then no one would love me, ever. No one would want to be with me? Who would want to be with a crazy person, someone who has emotional outbursts that she can't control? My worst fears came to life last fall, I legitimately couldn't handle myself anymore. The suicidal thoughts, the fluctuating depression, the lack of sleep and the constant meltdowns.
I finally went to my mom and told her everything I was feeling, I finally made the decision to go see a doctor to be put on some medicine. I got put on medicine and started to feel better, the doctor never told me what the medicine was specifically for, just that it should help my mood. One night I got bored and looked the medicine up, and lo and behold I found what the medicine was used to treat, Bipolar Disorder. Queue the full blown meltdown. After I calmed down a little I went and talked to my mom about it and she really did help me realize it is not the end of the world. So many people are diagnosed with this and they still live normal lives. My mom is definitely the one holding me together, she has been there with me from the very beginning and even if I have never told her this I want her to know that it means so much. It means so much that she never gave up on me, and even if she did, she came back to help.
Now that y'all know my full story, something I don't like to tell people because I always get the usual 'i'm sorry', and things like that. I really don't want sympathy, I just want to be able to help other people. Help them know they aren't alone in the world, that they aren't the only one who is sad. There is someone who is there for you, you just need to be open to their help. I wasn't for a long time and it caused years of pain that I didn't need. Remember that no matter what you're going through there is someone who loves you and is there for you. You aren't alone, I thought I was and it was the worst possible feeling imaginable. I hope none of you who read this feel that way, I truly don't. I'm done being deep for the night but just know this, my depression, even with my medicine is a constant struggle for me but the struggle is better than the alternative.
Again, I want to thank my mom for being there for me even when I was a raging psycho. Even when I screamed at her for no reason, broke down for no reason and just treated her horrible. I love you mom!
<3
Rachel
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