Has anyone heard the term 'fake it till you make it'? I have, a lot actually, all my life. Not from my parents or anything but from teachers at school. Fake like you know what you're doing until you actually do know what you're doing. Sounds easy, right? It's really not though, it's hard to 'fake it' sometimes when all you want to do is show the world who you really are and how incapable you are. Personally I have tried this on a lot of things, I faked that I knew how to sight read music until I was getting perfect scores at auditions. I faked being able to play violin at a high school level sophomore year in order to be in the orchestra, turns out I was fairly decent and could pull it off. The biggest thing I did? Faked my emotions. I pretended that I didn't care what people thought, I pretended that the little things didn't tear me apart when really, they did.
From my previous post 'My Favourite Quote' y'all know that I am Bipolar but growing up I didn't know that. I didn't know there was a reason why I was so ridiculously emotional, why I couldn't seem to let the insignificant things pass. I have had 'friends' in the past who all they did was wreak havoc on my self-esteem, telling me I wasn't pretty enough, that my voice wasn't as good as theirs, that I probably wasn't going to do much in life and that, that is hard to hear.
I have since excluded those people from my life as best as I could. I don't need that in my life, no one does. None of your friends should feel the need to belittle you to make themselves feel better. Now that I'm older I recognize that those people obviously had their own personal battles they were going through and, were taking it out on me to make themselves feel better. I'm not saying it's right but now that I recognize this I don't have the same amount of hate for them.
Hating someone is poisonous, a poison that does harm to no one else but yourself. It is like a disease, I have spent a lot of my life harbouring anger and horrid feelings for a handful of people in my life and it is taxing. It doesn't effect them at all, but did It effect me? Yes, horribly so. I was stressed out all the time, it was causing other things in my life to go haywire and it was all because I couldn't make myself forgive people who had wronged me.
About a year or so I went to my mom and told her that I couldn't deal with hating these people anymore and made a decision to just let it all go. Once I did I felt so much better, I could almost physically feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders. This was the start of a new me, a happy me.
This is where I get to the 'being' bit. For so long I was pretending that I was okay, that I was happy but I never was. I successfully fooled a lot of people that were in my life and I thought this is what I was supposed to do. I was faking it until I finally made it to the end of the rainbow, my 'pot of gold' though wasn't money, it was happiness. Being happy is so much better than pretending, I won't lie and say I'm happy all the time because I am most certainly not. I still get angry, and frustrated and overwhelmed with feelings I can't explain but, as a whole I am in a much better place. I have let go of my anger towards the people who have wronged me and I can finally feel content.
This battle of staying happy and not reverting back to pretending is definitely and uphill one. As I've said before I am not one for physical or mental exertion but this is something that is definitely worth it. If you have ever felt the way that I just rambled on a bit then think about it, is it worth it? I can guarantee that letting stupid and petty drama go and focusing on yourself and how you feel, not what others think, is liberating. Once you love yourself everything else will fall into place!
Sorry for another rambly/preachy post but, sometimes I just want to say things and have nowhere else to get them out! Until next time!
<3
Rachel
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